“ So my main anxiety right now is the fact that I am 28 years old and my parents want me to get married. They have created profiles on Bharat Matrimony, shaadi.com and even local places. I am not sure if I am even ready for this, plus I don’t even know what I am looking for in a partner. I am having frequent fights with my parents because we have so many different expectations and I feel guilty for wanting something different from what they want.” – Anonymous
I often hear these remarks from my clients, and they always make me reflect on the immense pressure South Asian individuals face in a generation with countless ways to find the ‘right person.’ Finding a life partner is a journey that intertwines personal desires with cultural expectations, a balance that can be particularly challenging for South Asians today. The intricate dance between individual aspirations and familial traditions often makes the path to partnership complex.
Demographics and the Single South Asian
In India, societal norms have traditionally emphasized early marriage, but recent trends indicate a shift. Urbanization, higher education, and career pursuits have led many to delay marriage, resulting in a growing number of single individuals in metropolitan areas. While specific statistics on singlehood in India are limited, the changing dynamics are evident in the evolving societal attitudes toward marriage and partnership.
In contrast, the United States is home to approximately 4.8 million Indian Americans as of 2022, according to the U.S. Census Bureau. This diverse community encompasses a range of experiences, with many individuals balancing traditional cultural values with the broader American societal norms. The pursuit of personal goals and the emphasis on individual choice in the U.S. context have contributed to a nuanced landscape of relationships and marriage among Indian Americans.
Personal Desires vs. Parental Expectations
The journey to finding a partner is often influenced by the expectations set by one’s family. In South Asian cultures, parents traditionally play a significant role in the matchmaking process, prioritizing factors such as caste, religion, socioeconomic status, and family reputation. These criteria are deeply rooted in cultural traditions and are seen as foundations for a harmonious union.
As a South Asian myself, I remember being tormented with the question “ now that you have a job, when are you going to get married?” And I have come to realize that it’s a global phenomenon within the community. And even when the question comes out of love/ concern, it often gets lost in the translation where younger generations feel anxious as they reach “societal age of marriage.” Even after reaching significant milestones in life, they’re still met with the message: ‘You’re not enough unless you’re married.’ Feeling thus pressured, some rush into or are forced into choosing incompatible partners leading to increased divorce rates.
70% of young South Asian women reported feeling anxious about meeting marriage deadlines, which can hinder their educational and career pursuits. – Sultana et al. (2023)
Approximately 33% of South Asian marriages end in divorce within the first five years, often due to unmet expectations and compatibility issues. – Khan et.al, 2022
Navigating the Path Forward
The challenge lies in bridging the gap between honoring cultural traditions and embracing personal autonomy. Open communication within families is crucial. Sharing personal perspectives and listening to parental concerns can foster mutual understanding. One of the ways to understand our needs from a partner includes exploring our own values. Values exploration also gives us an insight into the “non-negotiables” in the relationship. It’s a “filter” that we can add into our own search engine.
Fear of introducing your chosen partner
As a South Asian therapist, I often hear clients express anxiety about introducing their partner to their parents, especially when the relationship does not align with cultural or family expectations. This fear is valid—many of us grow up with strong familial obligations and the pressure to meet our parents’ expectations regarding marriage. However, there are ways to ease into this conversation while prioritizing both your emotional well-being and family relationships.
1. Understand Your Fears
Before approaching your parents, reflect on what exactly worries you. Are you afraid of disappointing them? Facing rejection? Losing their support? Acknowledging these fears can help you prepare emotionally and mentally.
2. Set the Stage Gradually
You don’t have to introduce your partner immediately. Instead, start by talking about relationships in general to gauge their thoughts. You could say:
“I’ve been thinking a lot about what I want in a life partner. What were your hopes when you got married?” This opens the door to discussing values without immediately introducing your partner.
3. Emphasize Common Ground
When you do bring up your partner, highlight shared values:
“I’ve met someone who is kind, hardworking, and values family, just like you taught me.”
This helps frame the conversation in a way that connects your parents’ values with your choice.
4. Give Them Time
If they react negatively, don’t rush to change their minds. Instead, reassure them:
“I know this might be unexpected, and I respect your feelings. I just ask that you take time to get to know them.”
What if even after trying, parents disagree?
I hear this in my sessions so often that I always go back to DDLJ (Bollywood movie titled Dilwale Dulhania Le Jayenge). Remember the famous Amrish Puri dialogue “ Ja Simran, Jee Le Apni Zindagi.” It was all about getting parental approval to get married to the partner of her choice. If you revisit that movie, you will notice 3 things that she did….
- Seeking support from allies—whether siblings, extended family, or community elders—can ease tensions. Sometimes, hearing reassurance from others helps parents reconsider.
- Open and honest communication is key. Parents may react out of fear or societal pressure, so calmly expressing the values and qualities that make the partner a good choice can help. Using stories, shared cultural references, and patience may slowly shift perspectives.
- Setting Boundaries. While respecting parental input, it’s important to recognize that your happiness matters. One can gently but firmly reinforce that their decision is based on compatibility, emotional well-being, and long-term fulfillment.
The Importance of Discussions and Clarifying Your Personal Values
Navigating the intersection of personal desires and parental expectations can be overwhelming, especially for South Asians who are caught between the values of tradition and the evolving dynamics of modern relationships. The pressure to meet societal and familial expectations, particularly around marriage, is real and can lead to feelings of anxiety, guilt, and confusion. It’s essential to remember that the journey toward finding a partner is deeply personal, and taking the time to understand one’s own values, desires, and non-negotiables can pave the way for healthier, more fulfilling relationships.
As a South Asian therapist, I encourage individuals to engage in open and honest conversations with their families, expressing both their respect for traditions and their need for autonomy in their choices. These conversations, while challenging, can bridge the gap between cultural expectations and personal growth. It’s equally important to remember that our emotional well-being should always be a priority, and that the pursuit of a partnership should be grounded in mutual respect, love, and compatibility, not just external validation. Ultimately, each person’s path to finding love should reflect their unique journey, free from the confines of rigid societal timelines.
Runjhun Pandit, LPCC (Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor) is a multi-lingual licensed mental health therapist, offering virtual care to South Asian individuals throughout California and Washington. Runjhun specializes in postpartum mental health, body image concerns, parent support and new mom support group.
www.wellbeingden.com or [email protected]
