“Run for your life,” they say.
Trigger Warning: Scrupulosity
The Story of a Goody Two Shoes Kid
Growing up, I was known as a quiet, kind, and sensitive “goody two shoes.” As an elementary school student, I never spoke out of place, bent the rules, or cut in line. While other kids played kickball, I spent my recesses carefully folding paper hearts to give to my homeroom teachers. I was the definition of a “good kid.”
As I grew older, my well-intentioned conscience clashed with excessive criticism and unresolved guilt. The desire to do the right thing devolved into intense mental convictions, and ultimately, Moral OCD.
An Introduction to Moral OCD
Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder, also known as OCD, is characterized by intense and irrational thoughts called obsessions and a set of compensatory behaviors called compulsions.
A specific subtype of this condition is Moral OCD, also known as “scrupulosity,” which involves an excessive preoccupation with perceived moral transgressions, including convictions for imaginary or minor shortcomings.
Examples of moral obsessions:
- Committing acts of blasphemy or evil
- Concerns over perceived adultery or disloyalty
- Being 100% honest
- Causing another to be immoral
- Fear of eternal punishment/condemnation
- Identifying as a “good” or “bad” person
Examples of moral compulsions:
- Seeking reassurance from others, including religious authority
- Excessively confessing immoral acts
- Ruminating on moral scenarios
- Exaggerated donations of belongings or money
- Engaging in self-punishment to “prove” moral concern
Suffering for the Greater Good
During episodes of Moral OCD, pathological guilt extended to everyday pleasures:
- Eating ice cream
- Showing affection to my family
- Hanging out with my friends
- Using “I” statements
- Being physically attractive
- Laughing
These normal and healthy experiences internalized as betrayals to a higher moral standard, resulting in the maladaptive conclusion that such acts stemmed from an inherent and disturbing selfishness.
The pathological guilt was rooted in the Christian doctrine of redemptive suffering, in which believers can offer their difficulties in life as a form of prayer. For example, a working father might offer up his long and tiring work hours for the prayerful intention of supporting his family’s well-being.
However, it’s important to understand that Moral OCD is not a statement or reflection on the validity of religious principles, but a separate and involuntary pathological condition that twists a sufferer’s deepest values against themselves.
Uncontrolled Thoughts
A hallmark symptom of OCD includes intrusive thoughts, which are experiences of abrupt and unwanted cognitive urges.
In my case, as I practiced intense spiritual practices:
- Prolonged fasting
- Unsupervised night vigils
My intrusive thoughts tempted me to suffer unnecessarily:
- Drink parasite-contaminated water
- Run barefoot in the mud
- Burn a notebook of letters
Intrusive thoughts are often dangerous, frightening, and unrepresentative of what a sufferer values the most. For example, a person with Moral OCD might experience blasphemous or irreverent thoughts that do not represent their true beliefs.
During these mental health episodes, I prayed for the comfort and strength of a hug from God.
“I’m so tired, Love,” I confessed. “I’m so sorry.”
The Turning Point
The breaking point came during a particularly strong episode, in which I was abstaining from flavorful or warm food. I feared that enjoying meals would deter my spiritual progress. After an urgent hunger led me to snack on some blueberries, I found myself in Church giving a teary-eyed Confession.
A tender-hearted priest noticed my worries and offered guidance that would change my trajectory.
“No more fasting for you, my dear. Do not focus on food, but on accepting God’s love. You are loved as you are. You hear me? As you are.”
As I left the Confessional, his words sunk into my heart. I began to realize the depth of my amateur asceticism and knelt before the Crucifix. Overwhelmed, I emotionally collapsed before my God.
“Oh, my Lord,” I whispered. “…Now what?”
The Benefits of Exercise on OCD
Over the following weeks, as I regained my strength from fasted and sleep deprived nights, I decided on a new way to honor the Lord: Through physical excellence.
In my classic gung-ho fashion, I signed up for the San Francisco marathon.
Suddenly, my entire life changed.
Night vigils turned into full nights of rest to prepare for early morning stretches and runs. Nearly every day, I put on the miles and recovered with protein-heavy and filling meals.
My lifestyle supported my cognitive recovery:
- Regular Cardiovascular Exercise
- Consistent Hydration
- Resistance Training
- A Full Night’s Rest
Research supports the effective and sustainable impact of exercise in regulating endorphin, serotonin, and dopamine activity—neurotransmitters that are often imbalanced in individuals with OCD.
My mental health improved with each run. Day by day, I enjoyed stable thoughts, and even full periods of OCD remission. I remember the pure glee of coming home from a party filled with food, laughter, and friendship and feeling nothing but gratitude, not guilt.
From Remission to Rhabdomyolysis
By race day, I was still an amateur runner recovering from a posterior shin splint. The journey was far from over.
On July 28th, 2024, 29,000 runners gathered at the starting line of San Francisco’s iconic Embarcadero. I didn’t know what to expect, but amazingly, the first 15 miles were incredible. I was tingling with excitement, flying through each mile on a high of adrenaline. I wanted to tell God, “I love you,” with every step I took.
But I flew too close to the sun. By mile 19, I had collapsed. I hit a wall.
Hitting a wall during marathoning refers to the complete depletion of energy stored as glycogen in the muscle. The body enters a critical state in which muscles are broken down as an energy source, resulting in the release of toxic levels of protein and kidney damage. This is a rare and serious condition known as rhabdomyolysis.
The detoxification efforts led to a terminal state of dehydration. As I hit the floor, a group of kind passersby and a medical volunteer had assembled around my body.
“Who are you!?” I asked.
The Inner Child Appears
At the 5-hour running mark, I had entered a dehydration-induced delirium, a state of altered consciousness and confusion.
“I’m tired. Where am I?” I said.
They responded calmly, “You’re in Golden Gate Park. I need your name, age, and address, please.”
“Thank you,” I said. “You’re a good person.”
Delirium causes an onset of behaviors that appear regressive or child-like. It was as though my inner child had appeared.
“Do you hate me?” I asked. “I’m so sorry, thank you for tolerating me. Do you hate me?” I continued. “Can I hug you?
Suddenly, I found myself in the embrace of a stranger, and he told me the words I’ve always needed to hear.
“I don’t hate you,” he said gently. “No one here does. In fact, you should be proud of yourself! 19 miles is a lot, much more than I’d ever do. It’s no wonder you’re tired.”
I remember pressing myself against the texture of his classic ‘Dad’ puffer jacket and wiping my tears. I asked for his name, and if he had a family.
“My name’s Mike. I have a son named Kevin and a daughter, Daphne. They’re about your age.”
And there I was, on what felt like the brink of death, in the arms of a kind and loving father.
Collapsing into God’s Arms
God is always there to catch me when I fall. Whether I desired spiritual or physical excellence, I exhausted everything within me to achieve it. I thought if I worked hard enough, I could somehow please God when I reached perfection.
But that finish line doesn’t exist.
At the core of Moral OCD is a scared little girl asking God, “I’m not perfect. I make mistakes. I act selfishly. Do you hate me?”
Mike said, “I don’t hate you.”
But God said, “I love you.”
God’s answer was an embrace, as if to say,
“Come rest, My daughter. You don’t have to run so hard. You don’t have to prove yourself with exhaustion. You won’t collapse at the finish line, but into My arms. I will strengthen you in everything.”
From attempted asceticism to attempted marathons, I realize that my intensity was rooted in shame, and a desire to overcompensate.
I’ve learned this…
Love, not shame, is life’s greatest teacher.
A Beautiful Change of Heart
I’ve learned what redemptive suffering truly means. It means to embrace the life-changing humility of the imperfect human condition in order to find the life-changing childhood of God’s love. I will never do enough to match the ferocious magnitude of God the Father, and that’s okay. It was never on me to be perfect, but in due humility, letting God’s perfect love change me.
Facing the Mental Vs. The Physical
God’s love can come in the form of getting help. One ER trip later, and I’m recovered from rhabdomyolysis, and treating my mental well-being continues to be an everyday journey.
That said, it is critical that mental health is treated with the same importance as physical health.
I once described my psychological abuse to a friend, who replied, “Well, at least it wasn’t physical.”
Research studies show that emotional pain activates identical regions in the brain as physical pain.
As a survivor of emotional, and now physical trauma, I can state in confidence that pain is pain.
Mental illnesses are valid pathological conditions that also require medical treatment.
They are not:
- A statement on a person’s character, discipline, or intelligence
- A statement on a believer’s faith
- Less harmful or threatening than physical ailments
- An excuse or a crutch
Changing My Relationship to Self-Growth and Pleasure
Therefore, I am taking things slow, showing gentleness and compassion to myself every day. The Lord is leading me to little wins and through small efforts that ultimately lead to a stronger well-being. 2 hour night vigils have turned into a simple silence, and 4 mile training sessions have turned into a single evening mile.
Hugging, memory making, enjoying ice cream, and making people laugh are all part of the process. Through exercise, self-reflection, and spiritual growth, I’ve regulated my motivation system, so pleasure comes naturally as a healthy reward—Not a reason to punish.
Simplicity is Key
My learning and growing process took place over the course of several months. Recovery does not occur overnight, but in simple consistency.
I’m taking things step by step:
- Daily self-compassion
- Cultivating rational and positive thoughts
- Conversing with God without rituals
- Seeking spiritual direction when needed
- Regularly medicating with SSRIs
- Attending my first therapy sessions
In addition, my favorite simple, yet effective self-regulation methods include:
- The butterfly hug (crossing arms over the chest and breathing deeply)
- Meditating on joyful memories
- Recalling positive affirmations
- Humming low tones
- Neck stretches for the vagus nerve
- Drinking ice water
And of course, (moderate) running.
Conclusion
My destination is not perfection, but my Father’s embrace. I’m not doing “less” because I love God or myself any less. I am taking things slow because I have nothing to prove and so much to live for.
Ending Notes
I am living proof that remission is possible. If you or someone you know is struggling with OCD or a mental disorder of any kind, please do not hesitate to get medical attention.
You are loved and deserving of treatment.