“Her white sari was spattered with blood, her own. Her hands were held up in self defense as a voiceless scream filled the small space. She curled up into her body trying to make herself small so there was a smaller area that received the repeated enraged blows. She could not fathom what she had done to merit such brutality. All she remembered was that she had requested they leave a party early since she was very tired.”
“Oh God he had come home! Trembling, she quickly stopped what she was doing and ran to hide in the closet. She did not have the courage to face him. He would eventually find her but that was a problem for later. Right now she needed to feel safe, as safe as she could be, which was not saying much.”
Scenes from a murder mystery movie? Could be but think again. These are real life scenes of domestic violence — the stark reality of two incredible, accomplished, outspoken women and so many more!
Staggering Statistics for South Asians
An alarming number of South Asians in the United States experience domestic violence. Per South Asian SOAR the statistics are horrifying.
A 2021 study of South Asians (n=468) across 50 U.S. states found that:
- 48% of South Asians in the US experience physical violence
- 38% of South Asians in the US experience emotional abuse
- 35% of South Asians in the US experience economic abuse
- 26% of South Asians in the US experience immigration-related abuse
- 19% of South Asians in the US experience in-law abuse
- 11% of South Asians in the US experience sexual abuse
What Happened to “Happily Ever After”?
They thought themselves blissfully married but soon something changed. The abusive behavior started subtly—small, insidious acts that seemed so unbelievable they were easily explained away. But over time, the abuse escalated, gradually intensifying into consistent emotional and physical assaults.
Domestic violence occurs when a person consistently aims to control their partner through physical, sexual, or emotional abuse. The United States Department of Justice defines domestic violence as “a pattern of abusive behavior in any relationship that is used by one partner to gain or maintain control over another intimate partner.” – Psychology Today
Why Stay and Suffer?
Most victims in abusive relationships struggle to recognize they are trapped in a toxic, unhealthy relationship that won’t improve. They often make excuses for their partner’s behavior or blame themselves for “provoking” the abuse. Many abusers manipulate their victims by using children, pets, or family members as leverage, and they often isolate their victims from friends, family, work, and other support systems. This leads to feelings of low self-worth, depression, and helplessness.
In South Asian communities, the situation becomes even more complex. In-laws may contribute to the abuse, and victims often fear the stigma of divorce, worrying about their reputation or being ostracized by the community. The pressure to maintain family honor can prevent many from seeking help, leaving them trapped in the cycle of domestic violence.
The common challenges that distinguish South Asian victims from any other domestic violence victims are: Immigration-related crisis, the stigma of divorce, taboo of talking against the spouse, patriarchy, joint family households, concept of honor and reputation, and support of the dowry system in the society.
The voice of a South Asian victim is often lost under the pressure of balancing family values and maintaining a reputation in the community. These complex values and challenges often leave the victim vulnerable to crises like fear of marriage failure, losing children, finding legal assistance, financial support, arranging translators, and many more. – Saahas, Courage for cause
How Did They Get Into This Mess?
Abusers are often difficult to spot, as they come across as charming and easygoing, drawing people in. Abuse doesn’t start immediately—it creeps into the relationship over time. But why do intelligent, accomplished women allow it? Often, it’s due to emotional vulnerability and missing early warning signs. They become deeply invested in the idealized image of their partner, ignoring gut instincts until it’s too late. This gradual shift into toxic relationships can happen to anyone, making it crucial to recognize the signs before abuse takes hold.
The drive for control, power, and authority while instilling doubt, shame, and dependence in their partner characterizes narcissistic abuse. Perpetrators may blame the victim and refuse to take any responsibility for their behavior. They may isolate and denigrate the victim, or leverage verbal abuse and manipulation. – Psychology Today
The Debilitating Results
The debilitating effects of domestic violence can have far-reaching consequences on a victim’s physical, emotional, and mental well-being. Physically, victims may suffer from injuries, chronic pain, or long-term health issues. Emotionally, domestic abuse leads to anxiety, depression, PTSD, and feelings of worthlessness. Victims often experience isolation, as abusers control their social interactions and cut them off from support networks. This isolation can make it even harder to leave the toxic relationship. Additionally, domestic violence impacts children’s mental health, finances, and career progression, creating cycles of trauma that can last for years.
In California, an average of 124 women per year are murdered at the hands of an intimate partner, and of these 45% were in the process of separating – Shelter from the Storm
In a six-year period, 160 cases in Asian families resulted in 226 fatalities, of which 72% were adult homicide victims, 10% were child homicide victims, and 18% were suicide deaths. API GBV (Asian Pacific Institute on Gender-based Violence)
So Now What?
The first step starts with the victims. They must acknowledge they are in a toxic relationship and then find the courage to leave. While this sounds simple, it’s incredibly difficult. Victims live in constant fear, trying to placate their abuser by molding themselves into someone who will keep them happy. This fear and emotional manipulation often keeps them trapped.
Sometimes all that’s needed is a spark which can come from a child who asked his mother cowering in the closet, “till how long are you going to do this mom?” So find your spark and take the bold step to change your life because you are so worth it and so are your children. Break the cycle of abuse as otherwise it might get perpetuated by the next generation.
Help is Available
Leaving an abusive relationship requires immense courage, and it’s nearly impossible without support from loved ones or a trusted domestic violence agency. Fortunately, there are many resources available for victims, offering 24/7 assistance unless stated otherwise. Below is a quick list of essential domestic violence resources.
National Domestic Violence Hotline 1.800.799.SAFE (7233)
Maitri 1.800.793.3010
Sakhi 212.868.6741, Monday-Saturday 10am-10pm
Narika 1.800.215.7308
Manavi 732.435.1414
Ashiyanaa 1.888.417.2742
It takes 7 attempts on average to leave an abusive relationship – Sakhi, for South Asian Survivors
We Are In This Fight!
Rcoz is committed to ensuring that more South Asians don’t become just another statistic in the fight against domestic violence, actively raising awareness through stories, blogs, podcasts and events. Domestic Violence has the ripple effect of creating trauma, mental illness, and more abusers and victims in future generations. Though the battle may feel uphill, if we can spark change in just one victim, giving them the courage to take that crucial first step, every effort will be worth it.
