I thought I blew it at 20, didnt find out why until…a computer science grad’s academic recovery

0:022 secondshey i'm jose mourissajeski um i'm 24 years old i'm a student right now about to get my bachelor's degree 0:099 secondsum and and yeah my my life so far has been filled with academic struggles well you know what i actually had my struggles i would say aren't 0:1818 secondsnecessarily academic there with my mental health but they showed themselves through my academics 0:2727 secondsand then my poor academics deal with my poor mental health the first Chapter 2: Elementary School 0:3535 secondssigns of this were when i was pretty young in elementary school i would always get the same classic 0:4242 secondsnote home every year from from every teacher they would write something along the lines of almost word for word for my 0:4949 secondsparents hey uh your kid he's you know really smart really good but he just doesn't apply himself 0:5656 secondsvery smart but lazy because i guess that's just the natural answer the natural conclusion when you have someone that you think is 1:041 minute, 4 secondsintelligent but isn't performing well i guess reason high school very Chapter 3: High School 1:101 minute, 10 secondsvery very bad lots of c's and d's i almost didn't graduate high school days before 1:181 minute, 18 secondswalking the stage for graduation i'm frantically writing emails my emails essays i'd 1:261 minute, 26 secondswrite like 10 essays for this online course getting the graduating barely 1:331 minute, 33 secondsbut internally i'm like i know i'm i do love learning i love academics this is for me 1:411 minute, 41 secondsby this point in my life at the end of high school i'm realizing other things about myself and my mental health like like i 1:491 minute, 49 secondshave really bad anxiety and depression and and so i'm kind of like trying to connect certain dots and i'm like okay maybe 1:571 minute, 57 secondsyou might exactly depression is why i can't follow through in school maybe something about 2:052 minutes, 5 secondshaving a bunch of assignments makes me so anxious that i shut down that from the outside looking in it looks like laziness because 2:132 minutes, 13 secondsbecause i would sit down at the computer i have 10 things to do and then instead of doing any of them i would go lie down 2:202 minutes, 20 secondsyou know go back to bed or something and so it was hard to it was hard to even realize for myself like that that's not laziness 2:292 minutes, 29 secondsi'm not just sitting down laying down because i want to lay down i'm laying down because i'm having you know an increased heart rate i'm 2:362 minutes, 36 secondsfeeling nauseous stick to my stomach 2:392 minutes, 39 seconds[Music] 2:422 minutes, 42 secondsand that's a really frustrating thing to have to explain to people because again from the outside looking 2:492 minutes, 49 secondsin they only see that you're not doing the work 2:522 minutes, 52 seconds[Music] Chapter 4: College 2:562 minutes, 56 secondsi i constantly had like this uh tip on my shoulders i did like because i have to prove 3:033 minutes, 3 secondsto people and to myself that i can you know succeed and 3:103 minutes, 10 secondsfor whatever reason i decided that the best way to do that would be to take on the hardest thing that i could 3:203 minutes, 20 secondsuh because you know if i could do this then everyone will see that and they'll be like oh he is actually a 3:273 minutes, 27 secondssmart guy not lazy so i found a very difficult major 3:323 minutes, 32 seconds[Music] 3:333 minutes, 33 secondsuh actuarial science and i went to college i got into a college that had very 3:413 minutes, 41 secondsminimal uh acceptance qualifications but yeah and then when i got there i took on a 3:483 minutes, 48 secondsmore than a full load of classes and it resulted in disaster how bad were your grades 3:563 minutes, 56 secondsi have multiple semesters with straight and were you partying a lot during that time were you still trying hard 4:034 minutes, 3 secondsuh funny enough as much as i was at a party school and i would like to attribute my failures to you know me being super cool 4:124 minutes, 12 secondsand partying and having fun i did not really party i went to a couple parties i think in my 4:194 minutes, 19 secondsentire career at that school yeah i know instead of partying i stayed up late you know crying and 4:284 minutes, 28 secondswaking up in cold sweats freaking out wondering i'm gonna put it all together um 4:344 minutes, 34 secondsand uh and lying so i spent a lot of energy lying to myself and i could get real 4:444 minutes, 44 secondscreative with my lives too it's kind of amazing what you can do when you learn ways that you can convince yourself for something to 4:514 minutes, 51 secondsto save your feelings i guess for example one common tactic that i would use every semester 4:594 minutes, 59 secondsand it always works without fail is uh at the beginning of every semester you know you get a syllabus with the breakdown of your grade you 5:085 minutes, 8 secondsknow 30 on the final 20 from the midterm 10 from this assignment 10 from that assignment 5:165 minutes, 16 secondsand so every time i would say miss an assignment or fail to study for a midterm i would be 5:245 minutes, 24 secondsable to open up the the syllabus do some quick math and say hey you know 5:335 minutes, 33 secondsmidterms only 20 of my grade all i have to do is knock out you know 10 points on it 5:405 minutes, 40 secondsand i could still get a b in the class that's not that bad and then you know two weeks later 5:475 minutes, 47 secondsthe next quiz is coming up and i'm like yeah it's only five percent of my grade i don't need to study for that of course 5:545 minutes, 54 secondsthat makes no sense and if you just eliminate 30 of your grade that means on the rest of 6:036 minutes, 3 secondsthe class including the final you need to get a hundred percent on everything but i was very good at ignoring those kinds 6:116 minutes, 11 secondsof facts depression and anxiety um i ended up getting diagnosed because 6:186 minutes, 18 secondsi was having eating problems i lost a lot of weight um the dorm that i was living in on campus 6:256 minutes, 25 secondsi had like a communal food court you know communal area and every time i would go outside of my 6:336 minutes, 33 secondsdorm to eat you know be around all my peers i would get so anxious that i'd get sick to my stomach and i 6:426 minutes, 42 secondscouldn't eat uh which was a problem because we had limited uh access to the food court 6:506 minutes, 50 secondsso if i go to the food court and don't eat then i just wasted one swipe of my of my food card and that just happened way too much i 6:586 minutes, 58 secondslost so much weight because every time i went to the food court i would want to throw up and i mean i'd sit down for like 7:067 minutes, 6 seconds90 minutes two hours uh just waiting like for for myself to chill out so i can you know maybe 7:147 minutes, 14 secondshave a salad or something uh and so that's when my i finally spoke to my doctor and he 7:217 minutes, 21 secondsdecided to put me on something for it i was basically put on an antidepressant that 7:287 minutes, 28 secondsdid its job i guess it kind of inhibited my anxiety but it had a slew of other side effects 7:367 minutes, 36 secondsthat were undesirable 7:387 minutes, 38 seconds[Music] 7:397 minutes, 39 secondslike a fatigue a mental and physical fatigue and 7:467 minutes, 46 secondsi wouldn't say that my doctor prepared me to understand that that was going to be a side effect 7:537 minutes, 53 secondsso this is kind of detrimental because 7:567 minutes, 56 seconds[Music] 7:577 minutes, 57 secondsbecause here you know i already have this um predisposition to thinking that i'm lazy i'm already 8:068 minutes, 6 secondsvery self-conscious about that idea uh and so when i started taking this drug and i didn't really know like it's gonna 8:158 minutes, 15 secondsmake me physically fatigued and now all of a sudden in the middle of every single day i crash and i feel like i need to 8:238 minutes, 23 secondstake naps like i would literally feel like i need to take naturals randomly so eventually i just took myself off the drug 8:298 minutes, 29 seconds[Music] 8:338 minutes, 33 secondsyeah i really noticed it was a breaking point when i would get up in the morning head over to my laptop open up my email 8:408 minutes, 40 secondsmaybe or just look at anything and anything i'd open anything i'd want to do i i see 8:488 minutes, 48 secondsa massive list of things that i've missed over the last two weeks all the assignments i've missed all the professors that have tried to reach out to me because i've 8:568 minutes, 56 secondsmissed the last four lectures and so you know i see all that and say this is a problem 9:039 minutes, 3 secondshow can we alleviate the the the stress and the pain of looking 9:109 minutes, 10 secondsthrough all of the looking through all of this and of course there's the right option and that's you know 9:189 minutes, 18 secondscall your grandparents and tell them how you're really doing email your professor tell them why you haven't been to class 9:269 minutes, 26 secondsbut that's really really hard it was inconceivable as an option to me and so that's when my mind would 9:339 minutes, 33 secondsget just a bit more creative and say maybe i find myself looking out the 9:409 minutes, 40 secondswindow of my apartment or you know hanging out on the balcony and you don't have to be very creative to come up with 9:489 minutes, 48 secondssay some faster ways to alleviate your pain in that situation 9:529 minutes, 52 seconds[Music] Chapter 5: Back Home 9:559 minutes, 55 secondsand so i ended up having to complain about everything i dropped out of school went back home with mom and 10:0410 minutes, 4 secondsdad felt like an absolute failure i took a bit of time off school i sat out the next semester and i immediately 10:1210 minutes, 12 secondsgot a i was washing dishes you know in a nice Chapter 6: Working 10:2010 minutes, 20 secondsrestaurant which uh sucked it was bad it was pretty bad 10:2810 minutes, 28 secondsum i will say 10:2910 minutes, 29 seconds[Music] 10:3010 minutes, 30 secondsthat it was a really important step for me because along with being home with me with my parents 10:3910 minutes, 39 secondsi i just got and working in this restaurant i got to meet a lot of people and having to work washing dishes 10:4810 minutes, 48 secondsi was forced every day to go out and interact with people you know people are counting on me to do a job as opposed to 10:5510 minutes, 55 secondswhen i'm in school you know i get to get and convince myself that you know i'm only hurting myself so i never felt 11:0411 minutes, 4 secondsresponsible for missing classes um but at work i had this 11:1211 minutes, 12 secondsi have to go to work i can't i can't just work because there are people that i like that i respect counting them to to do my job even though you know i'm 11:1911 minutes, 19 secondsjust washing dishes it doesn't matter like if so that's important of a job in a restaurant 11:2711 minutes, 27 secondsi would ruin people's evenings if i didn't show up to work 11:3111 minutes, 31 seconds[Music] 11:3411 minutes, 34 secondswhich is good that was good pressure and it got me up out of bed to to get a job no matter what the job was 11:4311 minutes, 43 secondsit got me to go do something every day Chapter 7: Community College 11:4711 minutes, 47 seconds[Music] 11:5011 minutes, 50 secondstook a semester off school i enrolled at a community college local um and so after a few months of just 11:5811 minutes, 58 secondswashing dishes um i i did return to taking some classes and this time i actually did take a few classes at a time 12:0712 minutes, 7 secondsand honestly the only reason i did that was because i was working and so it really didn't make sense to take a pull up 12:1512 minutes, 15 seconds[Music] 12:1712 minutes, 17 secondshow did you fare in those classes did you do the same things and couldn't get work done or somehow just miraculously thinks about it 12:2612 minutes, 26 secondsso i had extra motivation this time because i hated washing dishes so much 12:3412 minutes, 34 secondsthat whenever i thought about missing an assignment or missing a lecture i think about how much i hate 12:4312 minutes, 43 secondswashing dishes until you know midnight one in the morning i was immediately faced with kind of the same 12:5112 minutes, 51 seconds[Music] 12:5312 minutes, 53 secondsthe same roadblocks that i was used to you know i would i would get my assignments and 13:0113 minutes, 1 secondfeel overwhelmed and i would be so tempted to pull out that syllabus and figure out what if i missed this assignment can still pass 13:0913 minutes, 9 secondsbut i i just decided i'm not going to let myself fall down that path and at this point i'm 13:1613 minutes, 16 secondstaking on as many classes as i was at university and i'm working 13:2313 minutes, 23 secondsa lot like 25 to 30 hours a week at a restaurant and before i know it you know i'm a week after the semester 13:3313 minutes, 33 secondsweek past the semester and i'm at work and i'm going on my break and my phone buzzes and i get an 13:4013 minutes, 40 secondsemail i don't know maybe my grades at this point i can barely even grasp that semester's 13:4813 minutes, 48 seconds[Music] 13:5713 minutes, 57 seconds[Music] 14:0014 minutescongratulations so they uh your performance this semester blah blah blah you've been selected to 14:0814 minutes, 8 secondsyou know be awarded the dean's list award and i don't know exactly what the requirements are for that award but 14:1614 minutes, 16 secondsi assume they're good uh 14:2014 minutes, 20 seconds[Music] 14:2214 minutes, 22 secondsso i immediately went to my car thankfully i was on break so i could do this and i cried 14:3114 minutes, 31 secondsa lot 14:3214 minutes, 32 seconds[Music] 14:3514 minutes, 35 secondsand i just keep it going so you know next semester same result dean's list and so finally i'm in this position 14:4314 minutes, 43 secondswhere you know i i have that option do i go back to university do i first or pursue a 14:5014 minutes, 50 secondsfour-year degree i ended up going to cal state los angeles i spend 14:5814 minutes, 58 secondsa few semesters there and and i continue performing well but at some point i think in like my 15:0615 minutes, 6 secondsthird semester at university um my depression and anxiety had looked 15:1315 minutes, 13 secondsreally really hard i was in enough of a dark place to see therapy 15:2015 minutes, 20 secondsthree out of five times i would describe something and she my therapist would give me like a ah 15:2815 minutes, 28 secondsand i thought what what what is going on and eventually she said you're you know you're describing a bunch of things and i know you have anxiety and depression but a lot of these issues you're 15:3615 minutes, 36 secondsdescribing are not related to any dietary depression and eventually she told me she's like dude you have 15:4315 minutes, 43 secondsyou have really bad adhd so i guess for the first 20 years of your life nobody ever mentioned the positive adhd 15:5215 minutes, 52 secondseven during that official diagnosis whereas they'll definitely have depression but just somehow 15:5815 minutes, 58 secondsadhd just went like under the radar would i imagine 16:0516 minutes, 5 secondshyperactivity to be is someone in a conversation 16:1416 minutes, 14 secondsand then and then as you're talking to them they see like a butterfly moving over there and they go oh butterfly and then they'd run to chase the butterfly 16:2316 minutes, 23 seconds[Music] 16:2516 minutes, 25 secondsand i'd also imagine someone being really rude in class for example like let's say a teacher is like a child 16:3216 minutes, 32 secondslike a child in class making noises and throwing things and i guess i guess the reason i didn't 16:3916 minutes, 39 secondssee myself and no one else saw me is because i was like i was hyperactive but i was a well-behaved child 16:5716 minutes, 57 secondsyou