“I wish I were more like her.” 

Struggling with Comparison Culture as a South Asian Adolescent

An Invisible Weight

It started in school, then it followed me everywhere I went. Every day, I had it lurking behind me, constantly waiting to leap at every opportunity. 

Before I knew it, the weight of this comparison culture had become a part of my everyday life.

There was a simple time when my friends’ success never made me feel like I failed, and I never put an ounce of pressure on myself to be as good as them. 

As I moved up grades, school became difficult, expectations grew higher, and it felt exhausting to stay grounded. 

But I grew older, and I realized that this invisible weight wasn’t only on me. Everywhere I looked, people were measuring their success by looking at the class toppers or influencers on TikTok. 

In fact, a study from Forbes tells us that around 81% of American teens feel pressure in their lives. 

Then things began to click: this happened to everyone, not just me. 

The Beginning of My Academic Stress

The first time I recall comparing myself to others was after my 4th-grade math test. I had developed this anxiety that I would get a C or a D. When everyone else came swarming out of the classroom, I would keep hearing that they thought they did really well.

At that point, I didn’t even know my grade, but hearing their confidence made me feel so much worse. I assumed that everyone else was smarter and more prepared than I was.

Looking back, that moment would only be the beginning.

When would enough be enough?

Throughout middle school, the academic pressure and constant comparison made it harder to appreciate my own accomplishments. The 90s I got on my tests and the 3rd place medals from my clubs suddenly had no value.

Of course, I would be happy for myself for a few moments, but then I’d look around to find people who got 1st place and who aced their tests like a daily routine.

I stopped recognizing my wins because there was always someone doing better.

Comparison Culture Beyond the Classroom

Until a certain point, the comparison had only been academic, but it would become more personal. 

One day during fifth grade, I remember hanging out with my friends. But there was a new person joining us that year who was very sweet and kind. I was proud to call her my friend. But starting in middle school, I began to see her closer and closer with the friends I had known for three years.

I started to feel upset that I wasn’t able to form strong connections with people like she did. I was known to be extroverted and outgoing, but suddenly, I began questioning whether I was as likable as I thought I was. 

I subconsciously compared the friendships she created to the ones I had.

I definitely can say now that it wasn’t anyone’s fault. But back then, I felt like my friend was much more popular and sociable. 

How Social Media Affected My Self-Esteem

Academics and social life weren’t the only things that fueled this; another big part of it was the standards on the internet. 

Social media wasn’t a big part of my life in the beginning. When I began watching reels, it was entertaining. But it soon became a part of my routine. When I had the slightest amount of freed-up time, I’d switch tabs to YouTube and do some scrolling. 

But here, the problem wasn’t the time I spent scrolling, it was the content itself. 

And I learned it happens to a lot of people; Cybersmile’s 2023 Comparison Culture Survey shows that 90 percent of young adults view themselves negatively due to social media. 

I felt the same way. I’d compare myself to influencers who had incredible style, amazing grades, and no acne. 

And so it goes, the combination of academic stress, social anxiety, and social media content took a toll on my confidence and mental health.

Shackles of Comparison…Broken?

I believe there were many reasons for my obsession with wanting to be on everyone else’s level. But I mainly developed this behavior because of our society. 

We are taught that having the best achievements is extremely important to be super successful in order to get somewhere in life. 

Growing up in an Indian household was a part of it too. Success wasn’t just encouraged, it was expected. Along the way, I felt that if I wasn’t the best, I wasn’t enough. The pressure of being ‘perfect’ got to me in a way that was so taxing.

I now know that wasn’t the message my family wanted to send, but it was the message I believed.

So, I guess this inherent behavior created a hotbed for comparison culture. 

Throughout the ordeal, a lot has happened. Burnout, anxiety, and an overall change of my own self-image (for the better or for the worse). 

But I learned that comparison doesn’t show me my true self. It only shows me the parts I believe are missing. When I stopped measuring my worth based on others, I began appreciating the person I was becoming.

And once I realized this, the effects didn’t hit as hard anymore.

Knowing this, I still catch myself succumbing to comparison culture. Sometimes, I wonder how it would feel to have others’ accomplishments and grades and looks. 

But those thoughts don’t stay like they used to.

Instead of asking why I’m not more like them, I focused on becoming the best version of myself.

And looking back on my past self, I don’t see a girl who didn’t do enough. I see a girl who tried her best.

About the Author

Ruhika Thallapragada is a rising freshman with a passion for exploring mental health. Through her writing, she hopes to encourage others to embrace their differences and be the best version of themselves that they can be.