Coping with Rejection: After Coming Out to a Parent and Embracing Self-Love

0:03 as a child when you came out to your 0:05 parents maybe your dad 0:07 and he 0:08 um you know maybe he said that it 0:10 doesn't get supported by a religion or 0:13 you know it's really hard on a 0:14 society how was it 0:17 uh 0:18 you know how did the child feel at that 0:20 time would you like to share something 0:21 like that yes i absolutely would so 0:23 first two things um i adore you and i 0:27 came out to you and was able to do so 0:29 because i felt that you were a safe 0:31 space for me to do that 0:32 yeah 0:33 i did not come out 0:35 at work until i was at cisco i had never 0:38 done so prior to that oh really the 0:41 whole great story about that too but 0:43 that's for another blog yeah but um 0:47 but i came out to you because i 0:48 connected with you and i felt safe with 0:50 you and i was able to do that so i'm 0:52 glad it was a really great experience 0:54 and i think it was a bonding moment for 0:55 both of us that's you know 22 years 0:58 later we're still you know exactly and 1:00 frankly really when you told me i had no 1:02 way to react to it because 1:05 i didn't know what to do what to say 1:08 you're like i think you said great let's 1:10 go have lunch 1:16 so but your second question is really 1:18 relevant and you are absolutely correct 1:20 you know now that marriage equality is 1:21 the law of the land 1:23 people are way more 1:25 are embracing 1:27 uh the equity of their children of their 1:31 you know 1:32 their uncle that they've always known 1:34 people are you know we're in we're in a 1:36 post-will and grace world so being gay 1:39 is is normalized to some degree now 1:42 that's not to say that there aren't some 1:44 environments like highly religious 1:46 environments or rural environments or 1:48 even in urban environments where there's 1:51 like 1:52 you know i know that within the black 1:54 community there's 1:55 incredible 1:56 you know pressure put on 1:58 young 2:00 men to be men 2:02 and the understanding what that means 2:05 not knowing that a young gay man is 2:08 still very much a man you know i like 2:10 anyone else but that's a whole other 2:12 topic as well yeah 2:14 when i came out to your point it was not 2:16 a good environment i was in a small town 2:18 in texas 2:19 my parents 2:20 rejected it um i was thrown out of the 2:24 house i was you know 2:27 um 2:28 and while the reason for my being thrown 2:30 out of the house may not have been 2:32 directly your gay get out it was 2:35 associated because of behaviors that 2:37 were happening nonetheless 2:39 to the point specifically and the 2:40 question you asked what does a child 2:42 hear 2:43 has affected me throughout my life and 2:45 that's why i would you know i think it's 2:47 important to talk about this 2:49 because a parent comes at a space comes 2:51 from a point of love 2:53 they're trying to you know they want 2:54 their child to 2:56 you know have 2:57 their religion or their belief system or 3:00 raise them with values that they find 3:02 are important so when a child comes and 3:04 says there's this thing about me 3:07 and know that by the time a child or a 3:10 adult 3:11 comes to a parent or comes to someone 3:13 and says something 3:15 it has been 3:17 very hard for them to get to that point 3:19 this is weeks and months of struggling 3:22 is it okay for me to tell before you 3:24 make the statement this is never 3:26 something that's taken lightly or 3:28 flippantly yeah so 3:30 for me when i went to my parents their 3:33 response was very much i mean granted it 3:36 was the 80s yeah 3:38 god 3:44 their response was very much like you 3:46 know 3:47 this is against our religion 3:50 we can't accept this there's something 3:52 wrong with this let's see therapy 3:54 because you are obviously ill and that 3:56 was sort of the 3:57 you are you're ill right now that's 3:59 right yeah exactly there's there's 4:01 something wrong with you yeah 4:04 what a child what i heard and and my my 4:08 my story is not unique i'm one of 4:11 millions of gay men my age from that era 4:13 that have the exact same story it has 4:17 changed a little bit but still not a lot 4:19 exactly not a lot 4:21 so what you hear what i heard was 4:24 that that 4:26 love is not unconditional there's 4:28 something about me and my parents don't 4:30 love me because they don't love this 4:32 thing about me that i have absolutely no 4:34 control over yeah 4:36 and that is soul-crushing 4:39 so it's about like a feeling of 4:40 rejection right from somebody you trust 4:42 him it's absolute rejection you're 4:43 absolutely right it's an absolute 4:45 rejection and it's and it's even more 4:47 painful because it's rejection of 4:49 something i have no control over yeah i 4:51 i mean i would pray to god make it go 4:53 away crying myself to sleep for years or 4:57 you know and that's what your parents 4:58 were saying too right it can get fixed 5:00 yeah and that's what the thought now 5:02 granted time has changed we there are a 5:04 lot of people that have a different idea 5:05 but 5:06 let me tell you how that plays out in 5:08 adult life yeah because what that then 5:11 teaches me 5:13 in my adult life is that love 5:16 requires criteria 5:18 that it is not unconditional that there 5:21 are expectations that must be met in 5:24 order to 5:25 be worthy of love yeah 5:28 and what i found throughout my young 5:30 adult life was 5:32 you know when you looked on paper at my 5:35 life i for example i don't have a 5:37 college degree 5:38 and i was able to start at cisco and 5:40 i've worked all these years 5:42 in cyber security and 5:44 learned and grown 5:46 and evolved and become quite successful 5:49 yeah 5:49 i never picked up a hammer and i 5:52 renovated a house in austin a back to 5:54 studs renovation that looked publishable 5:56 all of these things in my life 5:59 were really you when you looked at them 6:02 they were very impressive 6:04 but in my own head it was never enough 6:06 because while i set standards and 6:08 criteria for people around me and could 6:10 never have a successful relationship my 6:12 friendships were stressed because i 6:14 always had criteria i can't love you 6:16 unless you do a b or c if you're not 6:18 meeting these standards 6:20 then i can't have a relationship with 6:22 you but the person that was most 6:26 um punished by that mindset was myself 6:30 yeah i never did enough 6:32 i am not worthy and it took a lot of 6:36 therapy 6:37 to get to the point where i i am enough 6:40 i am worthy 6:42 and and love is can be unconditional 6:46 and in the years i should also say for 6:48 our viewers in the years after my family 6:52 and i became very close my parents 6:54 understood 6:56 where i was coming from and understood 6:57 what it was 6:58 what being gay was about and we 7:01 you know the past my dad passed away 7:03 four years ago but the last 15 years of 7:05 our lives and our relationship were 7:07 amazing and he was super supportive and 7:10 my mother is to this day and they love 7:12 my husband now he's like did he come 7:16 oh gosh everybody was at the wedding his 7:18 family was there my family was there my 7:20 high school sweetheart who's mormon and 7:22 all her family was there i mean it was 7:23 like it was a big wedding so 7:26 yeah it was i we are incredibly 7:28 supported and loved and i 7:30 i think that was to your side you know 7:33 yeah no i mean i'm so glad that you 7:35 couldn't mend your relationships and why 7:37 how were you able to invent the 7:39 relationships with the people who hurt 7:41 you as a child right i mean not no not 7:43 intentionally yeah right they were also 7:45 coming from a place 7:47 which they believe were true to them 7:48 right but it's hard for a child to 7:51 understand and 7:52 it's not well i mean i was i wasn't a 7:55 child when i meant it right i had i had 7:57 enough time and i think there's always 7:59 in us this inherent desire 8:03 to have 8:04 to have validation from our parents so 8:08 you know just as abusive people always 8:10 go back to the abuser i'm not saying 8:12 that that was abusive we always we want 8:14 to go back those 8:16 relationships were strained and there 8:17 were long periods of time we didn't talk 8:19 you wanted to be accepted today i wanted 8:21 to be with my i wanted my family to be 8:24 yeah wanted us to be a family unit and 8:26 wanted that 8:28 love and and that acceptance so there 8:31 was always sort of a tie but here's the 8:32 the kicker at least it kind of what's 8:35 funny is 8:37 the challenge i had was not from my mom 8:39 who leans more 8:40 liberal it was my dad mr shearer from 8:43 police officer 8:45 you know it's and in the conversations 8:47 that we had they had totally different 8:49 like personal thoughts around it yeah 8:51 but my dad was the first to accept and 8:54 chan have a huge like overnight change 8:57 of heart 8:58 and a lot of it had to do 9:02 i believe there was this moment it was 9:04 like this actual epiphany moment where i 9:08 was in a bath in my bathroom yeah and i 9:11 i remember looking into the mirror and 9:13 just sort of having this moment where i 9:15 was like wait a minute 9:17 i'm amazing 9:19 i am loved by my friends i am loved by 9:21 the people that are around me and my 9:23 circles i do really great things i am 9:27 compassionate i'm 9:28 caring 9:29 i'm really good looking i 9:32 i would have destroyed that 9:36 i you know why am i 9:38 going back to these hands that are 9:40 smacking me down 9:42 yeah i'm a good person i'm worthy and 9:45 somebody could be a part of my life this 9:47 is without therapy 9:48 yeah well yeah this was no this was with 9:51 therapy but yeah because it's hard to do 9:53 it without that right yeah you're 9:54 absolutely right no no i mean i think 9:57 i think my therapist had already bought 9:58 a really nice german car but 10:01 probably all of them 10:03 but um but i just had that moment and it 10:06 was that moment that i i i 10:09 my i maybe it was my attitude changed 10:12 it was also about the time i was being 10:14 successful in my career i was traveling 10:16 the world i had bought a house 10:19 and i think that all of those things 10:21 sort of converged together and my dad 10:23 was able to say wow 10:25 what a self-actualized person 10:29 i'm paying attention now let's have a 10:31 conversation if that makes sense yeah it 10:33 does 10:34 so 10:36 i don't know if it's correct to say 10:38 right now did your dad actually start 10:41 listening to you because he saw you 10:43 check marking a lot of things that were 10:45 important to him 10:46 probably that's a really good and 10:48 insightful uh 10:50 question i think it was because you know 10:54 being texas men yeah yeah there's 10:56 there's this and my dad was also a 10:58 police officer so i think it's important 11:00 to also look at who he was dealing with 11:02 in an urban city setting that he was 11:05 throwing in jail yeah gay people and he 11:08 grew up in the 60s right yeah so so his 11:12 his idea of what a gay person was at the 11:16 time versus who i am were very different 11:21 and so when he started seeing that i you 11:23 know 11:24 and i i'm sorry to make it so gender 11:26 specific but i am a guy so you know it 11:29 was very much the 11:31 to your point am i self-sufficient am i 11:34 keeping my promises am i 11:36 you know being a man you know am i able 11:39 to to to do i put yourself yeah provide 11:42 for myself be successful you know buy a 11:45 house you know remodel how i like all 11:47 these things that sort of check mark 11:50 the guy bucket yeah 11:52 right 11:53 thank you john so much for your insights 11:55 today and may your dad's soul rest in 11:58 peace oh he is with me all the time but 12:01 i think 12:02 i mean really where he was coming from 12:05 like you said right like love 12:07 yeah you made him grow too yeah right 12:11 there yeah yeah thank you so much for 12:13 your time today you're welcome yeah 12:15 thank you 12:22 [Music]